A Good Mother's Day
Even though you love your children and wouldn't change anything, I think it takes some time for the professional woman to adjust to the concept of being a stay-at-home mom. I knew from the beginning that staying home was the choice I would make because I believed it would be the best for the kids, I still felt guilty about it; as though I was in some way failing for not maintaining my career. I have continued to work part-time from home to assuage my guilt more than anything else. I don't even check my paycheck to make sure it is correct.
In addition to career-guilt, I have carried imperfect-mother guilt. The new Mom gets lots of advice, reads lots of experts, compares notes with other moms and one point or another (or perhaps multiple times every day) is on the receiving end of a disapproving glance, a "If you were as good a mother as I am you would never let your child watch tv" type statement, or a "No no no, you always start a baby on green beans before applesauce" comment from your pediatrician. This guilt I still feel. I have gained a lot of confidence with experience though and realized that whether your baby likes green beans has nothing to do with whether they tasted the sweetness of applesauce first. Kai was picky, he hated all babyfood. He was a year old before he had a substantial diet of solid foods. Levi wolfs down 2 cartons a feeding and wants more. And there are all kinds of other things that people have strong opinions about that don't really matter. If your kid is potty-trained at 2, great, if he is potty-trained at 3, great. As long as he is not wearing a pull-up to 1st grade you are not a bad mother. :)
Finally there is the "I can't control everything guilt." All moms feel like their biggest job is the safety, happiness and well-being of their children and yet eventually you have to give your child more freedom and place them in the care of others and trust that you have done your best to ensure that they will be just fine. When considering more children, the thought has often crossed my mind that I can't possibly handle trying to ensure the perfectly safe life of another child. I am learning to accept the reality that I can do everything in my power to ensure their well-being, but that I have to trust God to hold them in his hands. This has freed my mind quite a bit.
Well, today is a good mother's day because I think I am finally getting past all these worries. I still work, but I am so convinced that Motherhood is so much more awesome than my career was or ever could be that I no longer struggle with self-doubt over giving it up. I look the pediatrician straight in the eye and tell them that I have been feeding my baby applesauce without their permission and while I will always be an overprotective Mom, I have accepted that life is in God's hands and that he cares for our family and that I can trust his providence.
Today is also a great Mothers' Day because I have two amazing kids that are a constant joy. I love my two boys tremendously. These feelings are not new, but I am better able to enjoy them now that some of that nagging guilt is out of my head. I am amazed at how much the kids change everyday. Today, in honor of Mother's Day, and, perhaps as a sign to me that I may have a rebellious kid on my hands, Levi said "Da Da!!!" :) That's ok, I am thrilled anyway. It was funny because he got a big reaction out of us when he said it for the first time and then wouldn't stop babbling all evening. In actuality Levi is very sweet-natured and easy baby. So I would be surprised if he turned out to be cantankerous.
Kai told us he was going to teach his brother to say some more words. That should be fun to watch.
Kai turned 3 and has been changing so fast. He has definitely left the bulk of the terrible twos behind him which is a relief. He is 100% on his own with bathroom breaks which makes life a lot easier. He amuses himself by "reading" books in his room for an hour at a time. Time Outs happen a lot less frequently now. He is really growing so fast. He has never been a good sleeper and at night when he goes to bed he always tries to get one of us to stay with him. Tonight I gave him a goodnight hug and he grabbed my arms and wouldn't let go. I said, "Your baby brother needs Mommy too. He needs a good night hug, won't you share?" Kai said no at first but then he let go of my arms and said, "OK I will share." That melted my heart as I know the adjustment to sharing mommy with his baby brother has been hard on him.
I am very blessed and I am grateful for every day with my children and grateful for every day with my own parents.